Forgiveness

     To Forgive. According to Dictionary.com, the definition of "FORGIVE" is to, "cease to feel resentment against, to forgive one's enemies." Well, the main questions for this definition are, how do you forgive "one's enemies?" How do you forgive someone who has wronged you in so many ways and taken so much from you? How do you put the resentment, and bitter feelings behind you? The only answer I have for you, is you can't, that is you can't do it alone. I believe you can only give true forgiveness, if you have first been forgiven. The only way to do that, is go straight to the source, Jesus Christ.
    We already talked about how Jesus had forgiven me of my sins, back in the spring  of 2012. Well in the Summer of that same year, it was my turn to grant someone (human flesh, not spiritual) forgiveness. I was faced with one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make (it would def. make my top ten list of hardest decisions made in my life time). I had to decide if I wanted to sue the drunk driver who almost took my life, or if I wanted to take the settlement money and just walk away and forgive him.
    Well, I wont let the suspense kill you any longer. I chose to forgive (I bet you didn't see that one coming, haha). Let me now break down each choice I could have decided. Then I will explain why I chose forgiveness.
     If I was to sue him (which rightfully so, I could have and the bitter, resentful "old me" would have, and I'm about 99.9% sure I would have won the case) I most likely would have been in and out of court (he was/is Military) for years trying to collect the money that I would have "won" in the court case. I felt that if I would have chosen that path, I would have never felt true peace. I would have spent years "chasing him," which to me would have been a waste of time.  What kind of life would that have been for my family and I? I'll tell you this, it wouldn't have been a very good one.
     Lets move on to the second choice of taking the settlement money. I'm not going to get into the exact $1 amount of it all, but hopefully this gives you a general idea of what was all lost (materialistically speaking). The inpatient, 2.5 month hospital stay and 2 to 3 month outpatient physical, occupational, and speech Therapy bills, alone were thousands of dollars (that was with awesome health insurance. Without health insurance, it would have been in the hundreds of thousands of dollars). Anything my health insurance didn't cover, my husband and I were responsible for paying. Then there was the loss of income from the job I had just excepted, the eye appointments to the eye specialist, eye surgery, an orthopedic surgeon appointment (just so he could check my tibia fracture), and several neurology appointments(which I'm now down to seeing him only once a year, thank you Jesus!). These were most of the "bigger loses." The settlement money that I got back, was no where close to the amount of money that was lost. With that being said, we pretty much payed for him to almost kill me.
     It's been about 2 years since I took the settlement check. If someone was to ask if I regret taking the check, and wished I could go back and sue him, my response would be "no." I say this, because I think about my past and how I could have been that drunk driver. For as many bad decisions that I've made, I could have been the one potentially taking someone else s life (by NO MEANS am I trying to excuse his actions, I'm just trying to put things into perspective). Thankfully, that was not the case. God truly gave me a second chance. He gave me a second chance to straighten up my life.
     I truly believe the accident was a blessing in disguise (I know that sounds kinda twisted). God had to use such an awful situation for me to come to know him (for me to actually "wake up and smell the coffee"). Through this experience, at times I have truly been pushed to my limits (physically, mentally, and emotionally), but because of God's promise, "he will never leave you nor forsake you ( Deuteronomy 31:6)," I have hope. I have hope that he will help me get through any obstacle that is thrown my way.
     Next post, I want to talk about getting past fear. I don't mean, like a fear of spiders or snakes (or in my case worms, yes, I know worms lol, your probably thinking," really Chelsie?"). No, I'm talking about a fear that scares you so bad it leaves you feeling debilitated. That when you think about it you can barely breath. 

The savior of my flesh and Soul

 

 


     I started going to church with my neighbor back in January of 2011. Also, around that time, my marriage was on the rocks and I had just found out I was pregnant with our third child. Later on I found out it was another girl. That makes three girls! Talk about drama.
      At that point, I was kind of an emotional mess (to say the least). Oh yeah, plus I was still adjusting to my "physical limitations" (from the accident), and being a stay at home mom.
     In the last post, I talked about feeling like I was suffocating, I felt trapped staying at home (basically 24/7).  I was angry at my husband and took a lot out on him. He was working and going to school. He was trying to be a good provider and he had a lot on his plate.  I'm not going to take all the blame for our marriage issues.  I just want you to know I wasn't blameless.
     One night I became so infuriated with him,  I decided to pack his bags. The next morning, I told him to leave. Well, he left alright and decided not to come back for another year and a half. Even when he came back, things between us were still pretty rocky. Within that year and a half I grew tremendously in my faith and security as a woman. 
    Let’s now get back to the "church" portion of this post. I continued going to church week after week. I felt like there was something missing in my life. I felt like a huge part of my very being was being filled with anger and bitterness. I hated who I was becoming. I was rarely, genuinely happy (I may have seemed like I was happy, but I put on a good front). At that point, I hid behind my smile.
     Each time I went to service, I felt more and more of a conviction, a conviction to surrender my life over to Jesus Christ. I felt the need to“throw in the towel” and admit that I couldn't do things on my own anymore.
      I remember having this image of standing on the outside of a wooden door.  My hand balled into a fist and my wrist slightly pulled back as if I were getting ready to knock. This image started popping into my head every Sunday for over a month.  I don't know what was holding me back from actually knocking. I think it was because of fear, the fear of the unknown.
     The Sunday after Easter Sunday (back in 2012), was when I actually "threw in the towel." I was sitting in service listening to my Pastor speak (his name is Thurman). He told a story about him and his son swimming in a pool. He mentioned how his son stood on the deck and wanted to jump into the pool .
      His son was just a boy, the young boy needed to trust in his father, and believe that he would catch him so he wouldn't go under. At that moment, I had this instant thought of “I’m so sick of drowning." While I was sitting in the pews, I remember closing my eyes, and picturing myself finally knocking at this door that stood in my path for weeks. Then I remember the door slowly opening, and a man dressed in white, waving me in. At that time I finally felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders.
     As I put in my initial post, my dad is a Christian man and I'm a "daddy's girl." After I accepted Christ into my life, my dad was the first person I called. This is kind of how the conversation went. Me: "Hey dad, so I went up to the front of church today and I became a member." my Dad: "O…K, so Chelsie, what are you trying to tell me?" (that sneaky man new what I was trying to tell say, he just wanted me to come out and say that I had accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior). So I said the words, “dad I accepted Christ into my life today.”
      I was kind of nervous telling him. For months, no probably years, he’s been telling me to get into a church and find myself a good church family. Well my dad was right, Christ Jesus and the support of other Christians was exactly what I needed     
      The anger and bitterness started to fade and true healing started to begin. Having been in the accident and having Christ in my life, has helped me to realize how valuable time really is. The peace he has given me, has helped me to see the good in people, and has helped me to forgive the bad.  We are only given a short amount of time on this earth.  I would rather spend that time being happy then holding grudges.
     The next time you stop by to read my blog, I will go into more detail on forgiveness. 

Coming home

     After coming home from the hospital, I continued with Occupational, Speech an Physical Therapy. As I explained in the last post, I went from a quad cane to a regular cane. After a few months of using a regular cane, I finally was able to use just my legs and feet!! To this day I still have a slight limp.  
    Having a weak leg also throws my balance off. It is not uncommon for me to lose my balance and walk or fall into a wall. Its usually not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Over the years I have learned to land softly so I don't injure myself.  I try to fall with grace.
    I have a really hard time walking in the winter. My muscles stiffen when its cold (even if I get slightly cold, my whole left side will shut down, and its very difficult to move).
     The range of motion in my left arm has improved a great deal. I can lift my arm straight up and hold it there for a good while (my shoulder muscles are still tight). I can at least hold my arm up, long enough to put my hair in a pony tail (for the record, trying to put your hair up, using only one hand does not work out very well).
      My fingers on my left hand are still tight but not nearly as tight as they once were. I am able to use them for tasks such as tying my shoes and typing on my computer. The only difference now, vs. before the accident, it just takes me longer to complete these tasks. 
       Another serious issue I was facing, was double vision. I had double vision for about 8 months before I underwent "Strabismus" eye surgery (yeah, googling surgeries before you undergo them is not a good idea). I remember telling myself, if this surgery doesn't  work, I am going to stab out one of my eyes (the scary part, I was dead serious). I was so tired of living my life in double. On top of that, the head aches were pretty horrendous. I remember the first thing I did when I first woke up, even before opening my eyes, I would say "God, please let my eyes be healed." At that time, I didn't really understand that our plans aren't always God's plan and his timing isn't always our timing.    
       When I did open my eyes, and realized that I still saw the world in double, I would automatically get mad at God. If he really was the creator of the universe, then why didn't  he take away my pain?  What did I do to make him so angry? These were the questions that continuously went through my head.
      Due to the double vision, the question of whether or not I should start driving a rose. I thought I should drive but my husband (at the time) thought other wise. The difference of opinions led to resentment. The resentment I had towards my husband was a big part of our divorce. When it was all said and done, I started driving about a year and a half post accident. 
     Not being able to drive, increased my anxiety and depression. Due to my double vision, my independence was taken away.  I felt like a little kid being driven around by friends or family (consisting of my sister in law and husband.
       I thought my situation would never change. I felt like I would never be able to "live" again. Cabin fever set in real fast and in a hurry. I felt like the walls were caving in on me, like I was suffocating... very slowly.  Due to these feelings, I had suicidal thoughts on many occasions. I felt that death had to be better than living in a nightmare, day after day (Well, I never went through with any of these thoughts. Instead, I did the exact opposite, I started going to church).
     My neighbor and I were talking about church one night. Before I knew it, I grabbed a ride with her  and started attending her church.
      I always believed in God, but my faith (at that point) was not strong. Ironically, my friends church, was the same church, my dad had visited while he was staying with my husband (to help him out with our girls) while I was in the Coma (my dad stayed with my husband a little over a  month).   

       My dad asked the church (which is my current church today) to pray for healing and bring me out of the Coma. Their prayers worked! Once I started to meet the church members, they felt like they already knew me.

  Coma picture, after my lung collapsed

                                                                               

                                                                             

                                                                 






About a week after waking up from Coma
                                                                                                                                        
                                                                                                         About 4 years after  the Accident